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If I Were a Butterfly

By on Jun 22, 2017 | 4 comments

When my son was in kindergarten, he learned “The Butterfly Song”.  The song begins “If I were a butterfly, I’d thank the Lord for giving me wings.  If I were a robin in a tree I’d thank you Lord that I could sing.”  It goes on and you can YouTube “The Butterfly Song”.  I can still remember him with his missing front teeth lisp singing that song to me and his little brothers. It is one of  my most favorite memories of him as a little boy. Imagine that we are caterpillars and our loved ones who have passed are butterflies.  It is not so much that they have died as it is that we have not been fully developed.  Imagine that they have simply passed to the next stage and that it is us  who have not arrived. That is a thought that went through my head this morning.  As I pondered this idea the more it resonated with me.  Our loved ones have...

Father’s Day

By on Jun 15, 2017 | 1 comment

From the moment our son was born, my husband was a hands-on dad.  I had to return to work seven weeks after giving birth.  My husband did all of the night feedings without complaint.  He happily prepared breakfast and got our little guy ready for daycare by packing the diaper bag and preparing the bottles.   Bottles had to be sterilized in a pot on the stove.  He faithfully took care of that job every night after dinner.  He also did the family laundry.  We have family videos proving what a patient dad he was to our children.  He would watch all of the Nick Jr. shows that I didn’t have the patience to watch.  He would let them practice their karate kicks and pretend sword fighting on him.  He laid in the bed with them reading the same books over and over “one more time Dad”. Through his patience he showed all of our boys that gentleness doesn’t diminish manhood....

Lead The Way!

By on Jun 5, 2017 | 4 comments

I read something lovely a few weeks ago.  I am unable to credit it but it was on the subject of child loss. The writer used an analogy.  It’s as if the family is on a path in the forest and one of the children has run ahead to find a clearing for a family picnic.  The rest of the family will catch up, but in the meantime the child has a beautiful spot picked out and has spread the blanket. I don’t know why, but this image really resonated with me. It’s probably because when the kids were little it was just normal for one or two to run ahead.  I can remember the laughter and the joy of those family outings.   When I am having a bit of a low moment it actually does help me to imagine this. It is hard to imagine in earthly terms an upside to the loss of my son.  Obviously, the ideal scenario would be for all of my kids to be happy and healthy.  However, there have been...

Rocking the Boat

By on Jun 3, 2017 | 8 comments

I haven’t posted very much in the last couple of months.  It has not been because I don’t have anything to write.  Mostly it has been because there are so many feelings. It is hard to write about all of these feelings without seeming like my mind is all over the place. The reality is my mind  has  been all over the place.  June 1st marks the 8 month mark since my son’s passing.  Y’all, there is a lot to process. It came to me today that this experience has been like being in the ocean in a rowboat.  Back in October, I didn’t have any clue how to use a set of oars.  I wasn’t in sync with my rowing.  I felt like I was going around in circles.  Girl, get it together.  You have to learn how to use the oars. I figured out how to get a little rhythm to my rowing, but my body wasn’t used to so much strain.  So I would quit rowing, float for a little...