There are some who believe that after child loss a parent loses a part of themselves in the form of security, trust, and hope. It is a true statement that we are forever changed. I agree that in the beginning stages there is a loss of security, trust, and hope. However, I will say over time, these feelings return in a different form than before. There is no prescribed time for this to happen. For me, at almost five years, it returned at some point in the form of GRATITUDE for the things that do feel secure, trustworthy, and hopeful. As I reflect on this, before childloss, I took these things for granted. I felt like my husband and I were good people, loved our family, and were hard workers so we deserved the good things in our life. I thought that I had the power to keep these things. When one of the important things in our life was removed from our life as we knew it,I felt robbed....

I feel Will in every happy/ joyful moment. I do long to hear his voice as it was before he passed. “ Hey Mom. How’s it going?” I long to hear his laugh. He suffered from depression from age 12- his passing at age 29. So when he laughed it was the most beautiful sound in the world. His siblings, his dad and I would instantly feel lighter when he laughed. I remember his laugh as a baby and toddler. It was infectious. When I hear my toddler granddaughter with her blue eyes just like Will’s laugh I am transported back to his laugh. I do feel him when the humidity curls my course hair and it looks just like his hair. I feel him when I read words that make me feel like I am straddling heaven and earth. I feel him when I am with another bereaved parent. I feel him urging me to use my gift of encouragement to offer hope. The dichotomy of simultaneously feeling bereaved and hopeful is one I...

Learning to give up some control has helped me with knowing what is important. I have learned to set boundaries for my time and presence. Learning to let go of the need to fix other peoples problems helps as well. I am not more capable than anyone else. I have learned to listen more and wait to determine if my help is even necessary for the other person’s highest good. That means letting go of my own ego that wants to be a fixer. Instead, I can allow the other person to see how far they can go without my help first. My grief journey took away a lot of my energy for quite a while. I had to let people outside of my husband and children manage without me. In addition to it being healing for me, it allows other people to use their own unique gifts and abilities when I don’t swoop in to fix everything. The extra gift to me now that I am farther on my journey is now I have time to do things...

November 2019 I had a dream of Will last night. I could not get him off my mind all day. I was puttering in the house all day getting ready for Christmas and hearing Will’s voice in my head. “ I am so sorry, Mom. I am so sorry.” I was nearing the end of my puttering, when about 5:00, the idea randomly popped into my head that my husband and I needed to go see the new Mister Rogers movie. I consulted the movie listings and the next showing would be at 6:50. The movie began with Mister Rogers speaking directly into the camera with the most soothing voice I think I have ever heard. I felt the rushing and stress of the day melt from my body. Also, I could feel Will with me there. It was such a relaxing experience. I always take a fleece blanket to the movie at our new reclining chair theater for maximum enjoyment. I was thoroughly immersed in this little slice of heaven, when in the movie...