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Seven Years

By on Sep 16, 2023 |

My son passed October 1, 2016. In the early weeks, months, and first two years the pain was so intense that it was at the forefront of every waking thought. It was the first thing I thought of when I awakened. It was my last conscious thought before falling asleep. As I approach the seven year anniversary, I am relieved to say it is not the first or last thing I think about every day. I am able to feel happiness. In addition to feelings of happiness, there are the flashes of sadness as I am reminded of my son dozens of times every day. Some of these reminders are very brief with a little pang attached. Other times, I have to pause and feel the sadness for a couple of minutes. Thoughts that go through my mind are, “ I still can’t believe it”; “I wish it hadn’t happened this way”; “ It is not fair”; “Bless his heart”; “Why is my life so hard and other people seem to have life easier than...

Healing After Child Loss

By on Jun 19, 2022 |

Guilt. How many of us felt guilt after our child passed? I sure did. I was filled with “ If only I had_____.” I filled that blank in with everything I thought I had done wrong ever as a mother. It spanned from the time he was born all the way until he died. The guilt consumed me well into the second year. After that I still had pangs from time to time. I can’t say when it stopped. I just know that it has at 5.5 years. I now know I am not powerful enough to be responsible for everything that goes wrong in my world. It boggles my mind that I ever felt that way. I certainly did not feel resonsible when things went well. I learned to let go of what doesn’t bring me closer to peace, to my son, and to my husband and surving children. I feel peaceful. If you are still in the guilt stage I hope this might encourage you. It is okay to feel those pangs of guilt until you can let it go. But...

“You Are So Strong”

By on Mar 11, 2022 | 2 comments

I vividly recall the first time after my son’s passing that someone said to me,” You are so strong. I would die if something happened to one of my kids.” It was two weeks after my son’s funeral. It was the first time I had ventured out with my daughter in an attempt to spend some quality time with her. We stopped at a fast food place for a beverage. A woman whom I had never met but somehow knew me, approached me and said the above. I had no idea how to respond in that moment. Internally, I was upset that she said this to me. She was the first of many more to make a comment along this line in the first months. In truth, I had once told my kids, “ If anything were to ever happen to you I would die.” I am sure this woman had said the same to her children. She probably believed this just as I once did. The truth at that time was I had never felt less strong. I felt like my life had lost...

It’s Been Five Years Today

By on Oct 1, 2021 | 6 comments

Five years ago, October 1, 2016, my son woke up for the last time. I know through the accounts from his room mates and friends, the broad stokes of his last day. It was a Saturday. My son was a tennis coach. He met one of his clients at 7:30 a.m. to play tennis for two hours. It was a beautiful fall day in a beach town on east coast of Florida. My son’s passion was tennis, as was his client’s. This man shared with me that my son was in an inordinately cheerful mood that day. They left the court with the plan to meet the next morning, same time, same place, to play again. He got paid the day before. He went to the grocery store. His room mate shared that he went to bed in a great mood at 10:00 p.m. He laid out his duffel and his tennis clothes before bed, ready to jump into them early Sunday morning. He went to bed and did not awaken. I will spare all of the details but he died in his...