My son passed October 1, 2016. In the early weeks, months, and first two years the pain was so intense that it was at the forefront of every waking thought. It was the first thing I thought of when I awakened. It was my last conscious thought before falling asleep. As I approach the seven year anniversary, I am relieved to say it is not the first or last thing I think about every day. I am able to feel happiness. In addition to feelings of happiness, there are the flashes of sadness as I am reminded of my son dozens of times every day. Some of these reminders are very brief with a little pang attached. Other times, I have to pause and feel the sadness for a couple of minutes. Thoughts that go through my mind are, “ I still can’t believe it”; “I wish it hadn’t happened this way”; “ It is not fair”; “Bless his heart”; “Why is my life so hard and other people seem to have life easier than...

Guilt. How many of us felt guilt after our child passed? I sure did. I was filled with “ If only I had_____.” I filled that blank in with everything I thought I had done wrong ever as a mother. It spanned from the time he was born all the way until he died. The guilt consumed me well into the second year. After that I still had pangs from time to time. I can’t say when it stopped. I just know that it has at 5.5 years. I now know I am not powerful enough to be responsible for everything that goes wrong in my world. It boggles my mind that I ever felt that way. I certainly did not feel resonsible when things went well. I learned to let go of what doesn’t bring me closer to peace, to my son, and to my husband and surving children. I feel peaceful. If you are still in the guilt stage I hope this might encourage you. It is okay to feel those pangs of guilt until you can let it go. But...

Five years ago, October 1, 2016, my son woke up for the last time. I know through the accounts from his room mates and friends, the broad stokes of his last day. It was a Saturday. My son was a tennis coach. He met one of his clients at 7:30 a.m. to play tennis for two hours. It was a beautiful fall day in a beach town on east coast of Florida. My son’s passion was tennis, as was his client’s. This man shared with me that my son was in an inordinately cheerful mood that day. They left the court with the plan to meet the next morning, same time, same place, to play again. He got paid the day before. He went to the grocery store. His room mate shared that he went to bed in a great mood at 10:00 p.m. He laid out his duffel and his tennis clothes before bed, ready to jump into them early Sunday morning. He went to bed and did not awaken. I will spare all of the details but he died in his...