My son passed October 1, 2016. In the early weeks, months, and first two years the pain was so intense that it was at the forefront of every waking thought. It was the first thing I thought of when I awakened. It was my last conscious thought before falling asleep.
As I approach the seven year anniversary, I am relieved to say it is not the first or last thing I think about every day. I am able to feel happiness. In addition to feelings of happiness, there are the flashes of sadness as I am reminded of my son dozens of times every day. Some of these reminders are very brief with a little pang attached.
Other times, I have to pause and feel the sadness for a couple of minutes. Thoughts that go through my mind are, “ I still can’t believe it”; “I wish it hadn’t happened this way”; “ It is not fair”; “Bless his heart”; “Why is my life so hard and other people seem to have life easier than me”.
I miss him so much. I miss talking to him. I miss him being part of our family. Even when the whole family is together it still feels like someone is missing. It never feels complete.
Now the times of sadness do exist, but they coexist with happiness. If I were to put them on a balance scale the side where I place the happiness feeling would be heavier than the sad feeling side. Maybe somedays it is a 60/40 split. Other days it may be 80/ 20. This is a huge improvement to the first couple of years when it was hard to find a lot to put on the happiness side of the scale. I wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy life again.
I hope to encourage each person that reads this that although we all begin our child loss journey at the bottom of a well it is possible to one day see more than just a glimmer of light ahead.
There is no timetable. We each climb out at our own speed. We can ask for help if we need it. Some days we climb a little higher and make great progress. Other days we need to crawl back a little. That is okay.
One day we realize that we are having more good days than bad days. The grief may always be part of our lives but we can build a life around the grief while still loving and missing our child.
Love and peace to you.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
- Seven Years - September 16, 2023
- Healing After Child Loss - June 19, 2022
- “You Are So Strong” - March 11, 2022
