In my last blog post, “Why Did You have to Go?”, I wrote about the effects that bullying had on my son. I received many comments that made an impact on me.
The number of adults now in their 50’s – 70’s who commented shared the stories of their vivid recollection of being bullied as children and adolescents. One of the examples that really stood out to me was a gentleman, age 69, who feels inferior, even after all of these years, because of the effects of bullying in his life. After serving as a medic in Vietnam, he went on to graduate Magna Cum Laude with a BS in Nursing. He obtained a Masters in Health Care Administration and a Doctorate in Nursing Practice. Even with these outstanding career accomplishments, he still carries the invisible scars of bullying.
I read an interesting article, “Psychologist’s studies make sense of bullying”, http://newsroom.ucla.edu/stories.bullying-jaana-juvonen-233108. It is an interesting read and I encourage you to take a look at it. I will give a few highlights from the article.
- Most bullies have almost ridiculously high levels of self esteem. They are viewed by their fellow students and even by teachers as popular- in fact, they are viewed as some of the coolest kids at school.
- Bullying runs the gamut from physical aggression to the spreading of nasty rumors via cyberbullying and is a subject of growing public concern. Even today, in some parts of the country and in some families- there can be a belief that bullying is just part of growing up. There is a false belief that these experiences are needed by the victims to “help build character”. Bullying can have devastating consequences, most tragically, some of these cases have led to suicide.
- In a study of 2000 sixth graders, students and teachers were asked to identify anonymously which kids were bullies and who were victims. They were also asked to identify the most popular and the least popular. The research found that bullies are by far, the coolest kids and the victims are very uncool.
- Research was expanded to 4th and 5th graders in elementary school and 6th, 7th, and 8th graders in middle school. The bully-coolness connection was non-existent in elementary school and suddenly appears in 6th grade.
- The change seems to have something to do with transitioning into an environment where the school is larger, they change classes from one period to the next, having a different teacher in each class and also different classmates. This seems to “call forth a primal tendency to rely on dominant behaviors”. The bigger, stronger kids create a social hierarchy and appoint themselves the leaders. The bullies are in charge and that status gives them an ego boost.
- The victims tend to be friendless and lonely, they don’t know how to say, “Stop It!” when a bully attacks. The victims tend to blame themselves, imagining that there must be something wrong with them. This becomes a vicious cycle. The victim becomes more withdrawn, acts submissively and becomes more vulnerable. This sets up the the idea that he is indeed a good target, just waiting to be pounced upon.
Bullying is a collective problem and the social dynamics need to be addressed. Schools need to do a better job of helping the victims learn that there is not something about them that causes this and schools can help them develop effective social skills. The power of friendships, even just one friend, may be enough to protect the victim. All of the bullets are direct quotes from the article and I encourage you to visit the link provided above.
In my son’s situation, something that could have helped would have been for the parents of the bullies to have been contacted. However, no parent wants to believe that their child is capable of being a bully without provocation. Parents need to be more open to the idea that their child may be a bully and not become so defensive. Also, my son’s experience with being bullied as an 11th grader was handled poorly by the principal once my son and I met with him. The principal was defensive and unable to admit that bullying could be happening under his watch. It was only after telling him that we were prepared to contact the police and file charges for assault that he became less defensive. He was unable to understand that his attitude was the reason that my son felt that reporting the bullying would result in no action and probably retaliation from the abuser.
I am not a school administrator or a teacher. I know that they have their hands full with just trying to teach and manage the typical school day. So as a parent I may be naive in how to handle this problem. I know that there needs to be a way to communicate to students that there is a safe way to report bullying incidents. There needs to be the opportunity for school counselors to teach the victim how to say, “Stop It!” and develop a feeling of empowerment . There needs to be a way for parents of victims and parents of bullies to communicate with administration present about what is happening. There needs to be appropriate punishment for bullies so that their ego is knocked down enough to understand how harmful their behavior is. There needs to be a moral atmosphere where bystanders know the right thing to do is to stop encouraging the bully and to protect the victim.
I know that when I read comments from people who have not been in school in 50 years who are able to recall the pain of feeling worthless and friendless, it breaks my heart.
When a child starts kindergarten he should know how to tie his shoes, toilet himself, and know how to have empathy for others. These are things that need to be taught at home and reinforced until that child graduates school. Parents need to teach their children to come to the aid of those who are unable to protect themselves.
When a child feels unsafe, he cannot learn in an environment if he is preoccupied with his safety. I am heartbroken when a young person with so much potential feels that he must resort to suicide. I am heartbroken that a young person resorts to self medicating with alcohol or drugs to dim the pain. I am heartbroken that a young adult begins their next stage of life with the burden of depression and anxiety. It makes no sense to me.
Please be as sick about bullying as I am. We have to do something. Please share this blog post to raise awareness.
Peace and love.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
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