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It’s Gonna Be Okay

By on Oct 9, 2017 |

Last week was a stinker.  It marked the one year anniversary of my son’s death.  He passed on October 1st and the memorial service was on October 8th.  I was in a funk all week.  It was as if I was grieving brand new, every day, all week.  I was so focused inward that I was having a hard time finding God through it all.  I returned to asking, “How and what did we all do to get here?” Yesterday, a Sunday, marked the anniversary of the memorial service.  I woke up feeling as if I might start crying at the drop of a hat.  In fact, I did tear up several times before lunch.  I was trying to be a big girl and trying to move in a more positive direction with my day.  Honestly, I had indulged myself with grieving so much during the week that I was a little sick of myself. My husband and I decided that we needed to get out of the house yesterday afternoon.  We browsed around...

Finding Joy

By on Sep 28, 2017 |

 Joy is more than feeling cheerful.  It is a light that shines inside my soul from the Holy Spirit.  Love is the result of communion with God.  Peace is not the absence of troubles; it is a feeling inside my soul from the presence of God. It is from this basic belief system that I began the journey of child loss.  I do know that without my faith I would not have been able to endure great loss. When we received the news, it felt as if  the wind had been knocked out of me.  I felt like a turtle on its back unable to flip over.  The only thing I knew to do was pray.  God, show me what to do.  What do you want me to do?  God, place someone in my path to show me what to do. Have I been happy about the loss?  No.  I would love to step into a time machine and have a do-over.  Do I have a choice?  No.  It does not benefit my emotional well being or my family to attempt to move forward with my...

Lots of Big Feelings

By on Sep 13, 2017 | 9 comments

October 1st will mark the one year anniversary since my son passed away.  I don’t want to dwell on sad thoughts and memories.  If I have learned only one thing throughout these past 11 months it is no one can do grief for you; you have to go through the hard internal growth and acceptance on your own . A few weeks ago, on August 30th, my husband and I traveled to Nashville. I  was scheduled for back surgery on September 1st.  We were told to arrive at the hospital for pre-surgical tests on August 31st, and then come back the next day for surgery.  My husband made the hotel reservation.  The only information that he gave me was that the reservation was at a Hampton Inn a couple of blocks away from the hospital.  I gave no thought to it because he always does a great job taking care of that type of detail.  Around 10:00 p.m., the evening of the 30th, my husband pulled up into the...

A Dream From A Moment In Time

By on Aug 24, 2017 | 2 comments

If I had a genie lamp and could have one wish, it would be to have the ability to go back in time to spend a day with my children when they were preschoolers.  I loved listening to their version of life.  I loved their curiosity at that age.  I would love to have at least one more snuggle. My wish came true in July.  I had a Visitation Dream from Will.   In this dream he was five years old. I will try to set the stage for you.  In the dream the year was 1992.  My present day self was sitting in the backseat on the driver’s side of the 1987 silver Cutlass Supreme that we owned at the time.  On my right was Hunt at the age of  two years old.  He was sitting in his Fisher-Price car seat.  As I looked into the front seat, my view was of  me, age 33, in the driver’s seat.  Will,  five years old, was sitting in the front passenger seat. ( Kids could ride dangerously back then;...