It’s been 14 months since my son passed away and it’s our second Christmas without him. I have met so many parents who have experienced a loss like my own. They always feel the loss but are especially missing their children this time of year.
When I first became a mother I had no idea that I could love my children with the fierce intensity that I do. When you love someone that much and they pass away, naturally the grieving process is going to be met with an intensity to match the love.
I have had so many emotions since the loss of my son. Sorrow naturally, but there was a point early on when I felt anger at him. I didn’t want to feel anger at him especially when he wasn’t here to atone for what was my perceived impression of his offense . His offense in my mind was how could he leave me? Didn’t he know how much I would miss him? Didn’t he know how he would change the trajectory of our family’s life? Didn’t he know nothing would ever be the same again for us?
I have learned that many parents feel this way. Why did you have to get cancer/get hit by a car/ drink alcohol/ abuse drugs/ resort to suicide/have a heart attack? Didn’t they know how much we would miss them?
It seems silly at this stage of my grief that I ever thought these things. My son didn’t do anything to me. He was precious to me and I know he loved me. He was not trying to hurt me. There was no malice involved. The thing that I have learned is he was doing the best he knew to do at the time.
I truly believe that before we are born our appointed time has already been set. Our God/Creator/Source, whatever you prefer you to call one who created us, put each of us here for a purpose. Even after our child has passed from this life into the next, the purpose continues. Those of us who are left behind continue to learn because of our love for them.
We are learning trust, faith, the knowledge that we aren’t in control of everything, gratitude, empathy, and how to love harder to name just a few the lessons.
In my case, my greatest lesson has been faith in God. I have been a Christian my whole life. However, I think that because of my loss that I have been motivated to learn as much as I can about all things of a spiritual nature. Some of my readers may identify with a different belief system. My faith includes the respect for those beliefs as well. I feel that my own personal belief system is Christianity on Steroids! Any doubts that I previously had about the Bible, Heaven, Jesus have grown at an rate of speed that I would have never been motivated to grow had my son not passed away. For those of you with different beliefs, I would love to hear of how the passing of your child has enhanced your spiritual growth.
I feel like my God’s love is big enough to encompass everybody regardless of how you believe at this time. I am choosing to believe that my son actually gave me a gift when he died. He gave me the gift of desire for knowing more about life, death, and the eternal life that follows this brief time we have on earth.
I have the opportunity to make sure that my son’s life is not forgotten. All the love he ever possessed is still here because energy never dies. It is because of this belief that I am able to go on and step out more boldly in faith.
The Christmas season is hard without our loved one in his/her physical form. Christmas will be different but I have the opportunity to create a different kind of Christmas that still includes him. As for our family, we have chosen to each perform random acts of kindness in his memory to help someone else have a brighter Christmas. We are each going to write our act of love in Will’s memory on a card and place in an envelope. We are going to place the envelopes in his stocking that hangs with the rest of family stockings on the mantle. After we have opened our gifts, we will open the envelopes in Will’s stocking and read what each has done to continue to spread Will’s love. This will be a tangible way to acknowledge his presence in our family and to include him in our Christmas now.
I share what we are planning to do in the hopes that you might be inspired to have your child present in a positive way instead of feeling all of the sorrow. There may be some moments of sadness for us as well but we will be able to cling to the love shown in those envelopes.
I hope each of you are able to have a holiday that is filled with joy in the midst of sorrow. God bless you all.
Peace and love.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
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