If you are a friend of a bereaved parent this post is for you. Not everyone knows how to approach a bereaved parent.
I want to give my definition of bereaved parent. It may vary from parent to parent. My definition of bereaved parent is if the first thing that I think when I see someone is “Oh, there is (fill in name here). I wonder how they have been doing since their child died?” then they are a bereaved parent. I can tell you that it is not something a person gets over, they just try to live with it the best that they can. There is no timetable for grief.
Here are some things I have learned most bereaved parents do not want you to say.
1. “I’ve been meaning to call but I have been busy.” This is more hurtful than comforting. How am I supposed to respond to your inaction? It really only leaves me with two possible responses. I can murmur, “That’s okay. I know you are busy.” Or I could say, “Please don’t make me feel forced to make you feel good about the fact that you have not had 5 seconds to send even a quick text..” I am too polite to tell you that so I usually respond with, “That’s okay.” It really isn’t.
2. Don’t say any sentence that starts with, “At least…” At least what? …he didn’t suffer, he has his wings now, he is with God, you got to have extra time with him… This is not helpful.
3. Don’t say, “Be thankful that… you can have more children, you can look forward to grandchildren, that you have other children. Imagine for a minute one of your children died. Which one would you want to give up?
4. “God has a plan.”. This may be true based on your belief system. I personally have come to this conclusion on my own. But not every parent is ready to hear this. Not every parent has your belief system. Not every parent has had time and perspective to come to this conclusion on their own.
5. Never say, “I know how you feel.” Unless you have lost a child, you do not. When my mother died a part of me died, too. She was my greatest confidant. I was brokenhearted over her death right up to the minute that I was told my son had died. The loss of a child is at the minimum 1000 times worse. The loss of a child that you have nurtured since the moment you laid eyes on him is the loss of hopes and dreams that you had for them. A parent literally loves their child more than they love themselves. I had one person tell me they knew how I felt because their dog had passed the week before. No disrespect for the love of a family pet, but it is apples and oranges.
6. Don’t say, “What can I do for you?” or “Let me know if you need anything?” I am thinking, “Gee, I don’t know. I can’t think past right this minute.” Instead try saying, ” Can I bring you a meal one night this week?” Or, “Can I mow your lawn for you this week?” This may be hard to imagine but my husband and I had a really hard time doing the simplest of things during the first year. For us, doing administrative tasks, like paying bills, was really hard. It took mental concentration that we didn’t have. When a friend offered to do something specific for us, it released whatever the name of that hormone is that makes us feel good. By showing an act of kindness it gave us the little boost we needed to do some things that were hard for us.
7. Please avoid asking a bereaved parent, “ How did he die?”, “ What was the cause of death? “, What happened?” This is a very sensitive subject. The pain of losing a child is horrific. Just accept the fact that the death of a child is not natural and respect that. If they want to tell you, let them initiate the subject.
Here are some things to say.
1) “I am so sorry.” Then be quiet. That is all that needs to be said. That small sentence feels better than you can imagine.
2) Walk across the room and give them a hug. That’s it. It’s so simple.
3) “No parent should have to experience this.”
4) “My favorite memory of (fill in the name) is the time…” Nothing fills the heart of a bereaved parent than to know that their child has not been forgotten, that he was loved, that he brought joy to someone’s life, etc.
5) “I know you miss him very much.” Again, simplicity.
If you sense that they want to talk about their loved one, let them. Then really listen. Give them your attention. You cannot believe how much this helps with the grieving process. Please respect that anything shared in confidence is sacred and should not be used as gossip or small talk with others.
With the loss of a child, sometimes another type of loss takes place; the loss of your former friend group. Child loss changes a person. Bereaved parents didn’t ask to change but it happens anyway. We no longer feel like we fit in. Also, I feel like our friends don’t really know how to interact with us. I know that I mourn those losses along with my son.
Send a simple text, “Thinking of you.” Make a phone call. Invite them to lunch or dinner. Send a note.
Please know how much a kind gesture can mean. It will not be forgotten
I would like to share one lovely thing that I have been blessed with is a friend who occasionally leaves a little gift or small token on my front porch. She drives away, then sends a text to say, “Look on your front porch.” It is unbelievable how wonderful that feels. It is the adult version of Santa Claus. And love. It’s what true friendships are made of.
Peace and love.
If you are a bereaved parent and you have felt any of these things, please share this post on Facebook. Your friends may value knowing what you really need in a friend. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comment section. God bless.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
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