There is a common set of frustrations that seem to be shared by many bereaved parents.
Before the loss of our child we believed the Five Stages of Grief were steps to be completed and checked off. Denial, checked. Anger, checked. Bargaining, done. Depression, completed. Acceptance, we are healed. Then our child died. Over time, we realized that this was an antiquated way of thinking of grief. However, our friends, extended family, and co-workers may not be aware of this. They may wonder why we are not moving on. They may wonder when will we be finished with the first four stages of grief and finally reach acceptance so that everything goes back to normal.
We will never be back to normal. Over time, we may learn to function. We may be able to return to work and activities that we once enjoyed, but we will never be the same as we were before. If a length of time passes that our friends and family think is “long enough” and we have not returned to the way we were before our child died, please don’t treat us like something is wrong with us. Our hearts were intertwined with our child’s heart In physical life and now everything has changed. We are learning how to have a new relationship with our child. When our friends and family act as if we haven’t moved on quickly enough, we feel as if they deem us weak in spirit and resilience for not getting over it. There is no timetable. It is perfectly normal for us to miss our child every day for the rest of our lives.
We don’t ever want you to experience what we have experienced, but we would like for you to try to understand us. We don’t expect you to take on our pain. We don’t expect you to fix us. What we would like is to have you walk beside us, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Before our child died, we were ignorant on the subject of child loss. Then we were thrown into the deep end and we didn’t know how to swim. We are dependent on our friends and family to try to help us at least learn to float. Without the support of community, we are sometimes afraid that we will sink.
Some deaths have a social stigma. This is called Stigmatized Death. Perhaps our loved one died of an accidental drug overdose, an addiction to alcohol or substance abuse, driving while under the influence, etc. Sometimes a child may have resorted to suicide. Regardless of how our child passed, the pain of losing a child is the same regardless of the cause of death. Please don’t diminish our grief by making a judgment. Please don’t diminish the value of our child’s life. The complexities of the decision that led to a child’s death may be due to trauma, mental illness, or other social factors that you may not be aware of. It is particularly hurtful to us that our loss be a source of gossip and judgment by others in the community.
Since the death of our child, regardless of the cause, whether it be a birth defect, a chronic illness, cancer, a bicycle accident, a sudden heart attack, overdose, or suicide, we have gone over and over in our minds ways we think we could have prevented this death. We wonder if we are to blame because of our genetics. We rack our brains wondering if something went wrong during the pregnancy. We wonder if we had taken them to a different doctor or gotten different medical care if the outcome would have been different. We question our parenting skills. We wonder if we were too lenient or too strict. We wonder what if we hadn’t stepped back inside the house instead of leaving our child alone in the yard for just a minute.
We beat ourselves up wondering if we told our child “I love you” enough. We think back to all of the times we wish that we had read one more book at bedtime or played a game instead of cleaning house or doing chores. The endless thought pattern that goes on inside our heads is a battlefield of mixed emotions. What we crave most is assurance from our friends and family that we did all that we could and that we did the best that we knew to do at the time with the knowledge that we had.
Please call us. Please invite us to do things. We may decline some invitations but we always appreciate being asked. Ask again and keep asking. Please understand if we are now quieter or more forgetful. Grief Brain is a real thing.
Be gentle with us at work. We may cry on the way to and from work. Then we try to pull ourselves together before we see our co-workers. In the United States we usually are allowed, on average, three paid bereavement days. All of that time is needed for planning and having a memorial. We are forced financially to return to work far sooner than our hearts can handle. Please be patient with us. The loss of our child is always on our mind even if our exterior shell appears otherwise.
Missing a deceased child is not like missing a child who has gone off to college or having an empty nest. The loss of the hopes and dreams of everything we had imagined for our child’s potential has been lost.
Familiar places that we experienced with our child such as a school, a restaurant, a church, etc. can change our mood. We may leave the house in a joyful spirit but then have a sudden flashback of our child walking across that stage, playing football on that field, having a birthday dinner at that restaurant, or remembering the day that our child was baptized. We need to experience these feelings as they come to the best of our ability. Be present with us.
A true friend wants to walk beside a friend. That is what separates a friend from an acquaintance. If you had a friend who lost a leg you would still offer friendship and support even if they had a limp. You would adjust your pace so that your friend could keep up. We have lost a part of our heart. Be patient with us. Please don’t give up on us. None of us will get through this life without losing someone special, whether it be a grandparent, parent, spouse, or a child.
“There but for the grace of God go I.” Misfortune can find any of us, at any time, in the blink of an eye. Be the friend you wish you had.
Peace and love.
If you are a bereaved parent and any of this speaks to your heart, feel free to share on Facebook. Just go past my bio and click on Facebook if you are reading from a closed group.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
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