Have you ever wondered if you would be brave in a life or death situation if push came to shove? I used to wonder if I had what it would take to be courageous in the presence of being scared to death.
I have had eight major surgeries in the past four years. Sometimes it feels as if all I am doing is preparing for a surgery, recovering from a surgery, only to find out I need another surgery. It is a challenge.
In September 2016, I had a lumbar surgery. It was intense. When I awoke in post op the nurse asked me how I felt. I told her I felt like I had been stabbed in the back and left for dead in an alley. Her response was, “In a way, actually that is what happened.” Three weeks later my son passed away.
I was still recovering from this incredibly difficult surgery when we got that call. I never felt more helpless in my life as I did in that moment. I was still at a stage of recovery where standing at the sink to brush my teeth was hard. I was still sitting on a stool to shower. Now this.
The next six days were spent making plans at the weakest physical and emotional time in my life. These were days spent in complete vulnerability. People who had never been in my home were coming in and out my house all day, every day. I sat on a tall stool at the funeral home for three hours in a receiving line.
Today, 30 months later, I am able to view that entire week as if I were watching a movie. In the movie, a mom and dad lose one of their four most prized treasures in the world. They were already exhausted before the call. After the call, they were exhausted and devastated. They went through all of the motions necessary to make it through the week. They allowed themselves to be vulnerable to others. They made hard phone calls. They did the best they could to comfort their other three children at a time they felt like they had nothing to give another person.
What is bravery?
I look back on that couple and I think at their weakest they were at the minimum, Brave. Bravery is not about being a hero. Bravery is about showing up and doing your best even when you have no experience, even when you have been stabbed in the back and left for dead three weeks earlier, even when you have no idea what the future will be like. You can even cry non-stop for a week and still be brave just because you kept picking up the pieces and the wounded soldiers in your path.
If you have ever wondered whether you would be brave in a truly hard moment, I would imagine you could be. When we struggle to make ends meet financially not knowing when more money will come again, we are brave just because we keep trying. When a job proves to be more difficult than we originally thought, we are brave just because we keep plugging away until it is finished, even if it takes three times as long to do it. We are brave when we are the first to tell someone we love them. We are brave when we take our first baby home from the hospital knowing we don’t know the first thing about taking care of a baby without supervision.
For me, my faith in God gives me the courage to attempt to be brave. My faith wavers in strength as much as anyone else’s. But when I am faced with adversity, I try to recall every Bible verse I can remember even partially and I take a leap of faith that I can hold on until I can feel the strength that I need.
We are brave because we make ourselves do hard things without having the knowledge of how they will end. We show our vulnerability to others who are watching, knowing we might very well fail. We make mistakes with everyone watching, but we keep moving forward. Sometimes we are brave without anyone watching at all. Bravery while feeling alone can be even harder.
Bravery. Now, I know I am brave. I bet you are, too.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
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