In the South, women make a particular type of small talk. If two acquaintances come upon each other, one of them will say, “Cute shoooooes!” as a greeting and the other will respond, “I looooove your hair!”
What follows will be a rapid fire catch up session. The questions, “How are the children?”, “How’s the school year going?” and “When ya’ll goin’ to the beach?”, are bandied about without coming up for air. If time allows, updates on Sally’s D.I.V.O.R.C.E. (bless’er heart), and who’s on the prayer list at church will follow. The only appropriate answers in this scenario are “Fine”, “Great”, “The week of Memorial Day.” No one is interested in hearing, “My oldest was caught drinking Friday night”, “We think Little Johnny is going to have to go to Summer School”, or “This has been a tough year on our budget so we can’t afford to go on vacation this year.” I imagine other parts of the country have their own regional version of this same small talk. Men have their version, too.
While all of these social niceties are important as a means of politeness, when do the conversations become authentic? “How are you doing since your mother died?” ; “How’s your dad doing?” ; and “Has the doctor given you the results of your youngest child’s medical tests?” are the questions we want to hear asked with genuine concern and without fear of the answers becoming conversation with the next person they see. As we are pushing our buggy through Target, these concerns are what we are thinking in the moment before we turn the corner and run head on into an acquaintance. What was a preoccupied look on our face before this social collision, has turned into an overly-animated mask a split second later. After we wrap up our superficial conversation, we separate, and go back to ruminating on the actual concerns of our life.
Asking Authentic Questions
How often do we ask an authentic question and pause for an authentic answer? Do we listen to the answer and hold the details close to our heart? Can we listen to the answer without the need to fix them or be critical? Are we asking out of genuine concern or are we just trying to see how we compare in a social one-upmanship? Or, is our instinct to turn our buggy around and head to the other side of the store thinking “I don’t have time to get into that right now.”
We are too uncomfortable to get into the sticky stuff of life. It is sad because connection and feeling part of a tribe are so important. There was a time when adults lived within a small radius of where they grew up. People had extended family who checked in on each other. More than likely, they went to church together and dropped in and out of each other’s homes multiple times a week. As transportation and communication became more accessible, taking a job, in a different city, state, or coast became a way of getting ahead in life. But are we really ahead?
I don’t have the answers but I do know that we need to talk less about Sally’s D.I.V.O.R.C.E. and focus on being authentic with each other. I talk to lots of people in times of loss and adversity and they report feeling the most loneliness in the most difficult periods of life.
When we don’t get what we need from authentic connection, we try to find connection in any way we can. There is a reason that online support groups and online dating sites are so appealing. We are at a point in life where we can survive without leaving our home. We can work from home, order groceries, shop for clothes, have online medical consultations with doctors, and order entertainment. If we aren’t careful we will lose what little connection we do have.
Holding Space for Others
We need to get to a point of being more comfortable with authenticity and less comfortable with gossip and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. We have gotten off track somehow and we need to check ourselves.
What are ways you can hold space for another to be authentic this week? Perhaps scheduling less in your day In order to have time to pause for that real conversation in a corner of Target would be a start. Asking a friend over for coffee, tea, or wine and real conversation would be another. An invitation to someone for lunch for conversation might be appreciated. We all want to feel connected and understood.
Peace and love.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
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