Child loss stinks.
When I became a parent my hormones kicked in and I had the instinct to nurture, feed, and protect this child. My life revolved around finding ways to provide for this child. Once I had multiple children, I realized that each one had a different personality and different needs. My heart adjusted and made room for each one.
I think of my heart as being divided into equal parts for each child. In each room, a different child resides. Different activities happen in each room. Depending on the age of my child, it might be preschool, a sport and the activities surrounding it, college, marriage, or their own children.
After my oldest child passed away, the room appeared empty. I thought all that remained of him on earth were the photographs, trophies, toys, and memories. What was I supposed to do with that now empty room in my heart? He no longer texted or phoned to check in with me . I didn’t know what to do with the extra time he once filled.
I have used that time to grieve and miss the role I played in his life. That is the hardest part. How do I go on without a clearly defined role?
I choose to imagine where he is now. I don’t spend very much time thinking about the cemetery. I haven’t been there more than a few times in the past 32 months because I don’t think my son’s spirit is there. Wherever I am, he is there, too.
Before this loss, I heard people say that our loved ones spirits live on. I thought that meant in the form of memories. Now, I realize that the spirit doesn’t die. It is an ongoing relationship that continues to grow. I feel his spirit around me all the time. He always referred to me as “Hey Mom”. In the kitchen, he is there, “ Hey Mom, remember when I used to eat chicken prepared this way?” In the car, “ Hey Mom, remember when we listened to this song together?” When I pass a tennis court or see paraphernalia associated with it, “ Hey Mom, remember that time I went to my first tennis lesson with that new coach?” I remember the memory, but I am directed to the memory by my son’s spirit as an ongoing conversation.
I know this sounds odd to someone who hasn’t experienced the loss of a child, but anyone that has can understand what I am talking about. It really can’t be explained until it happens. In the same way nothing prepares you for being a parent until you actually have a child in your arms. We have an imagination for what it’s like, but that image doesn’t come close to the reality of it.
I choose to focus on the current dialogue I have with my son in spirit and the new activities that fill the once seemingly empty room in my heart. Those activities include becoming more spiritual, having greater depth than before, and making friendships with those who have experienced child loss. I also have three other rooms where my other children reside and all of the activities and people who accompany them.
I have gotten my life back, but that doesn’t mean everything is the same as before. It is a newer, more refined version.
His passing has produced an evolving life. It is not the one I had imagined. It has taken a while to adjust to this huge change of plans. It didn’t happen quickly by any means and it is still evolving every day.
Inside of me, I hear him say, “Hey Mom, it is going to be okay. I am still here. There really is eternal life. It is better than we imagined. I can’t explain it, but you will love it more than you know. You are just on a trip to Earth where you are learning new experiences that will give you a greater depth of soul. You will use these experiences to help grow your understanding of what It is like to feel compassion, empathy, disappointment, envy, love, and so much more. You will bring these experiences to heaven and it will make you more in the image of God.
I was born to have my own experiences that were different than yours. Part of my purpose was to impact others including you, Dad, my brothers, my sister, and anyone I ever met. Good or bad, the experiences I had with others impacted them somehow. Through those interactions they experienced compassion, patience, joy, disappointment, love, tolerance, or some other emotion. That is part of their journey here.
Ultimately, this was the goal all along. The number of my years was just a number you hoped for me. Did you ask anyone or did you just make that number up ?
Mom, just keep enjoying your life and everything in it. You are still growing and I want you to experience it all.”
I encourage each of you to open up your heart and fill up your child’s room with new experiences with your child in spirit. Try to find ways to grow. Ask your child what he is trying to teach you. There are new experiences to be had through your child that are meant for you and your purpose.
Peace and love.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
- Seven Years - September 16, 2023
- Healing After Child Loss - June 19, 2022
- “You Are So Strong” - March 11, 2022
