November 2019
I had a dream of Will last night. I could not get him off my mind all day.
I was puttering in the house all day getting ready for Christmas and hearing Will’s voice in my head. “ I am so sorry, Mom. I am so sorry.”
I was nearing the end of my puttering, when about 5:00, the idea randomly popped into my head that my husband and I needed to go see the new Mister Rogers movie. I consulted the movie listings and the next showing would be at 6:50.
The movie began with Mister Rogers speaking directly into the camera with the most soothing voice I think I have ever heard.
I felt the rushing and stress of the day melt from my body. Also, I could feel Will with me there. It was such a relaxing experience.
I always take a fleece blanket to the movie at our new reclining chair theater for maximum enjoyment. I was thoroughly immersed in this little slice of heaven, when in the movie a very special song to my husband and me began to play from the television in the movie.
It was Raffi, a Canadian singer who became well known for singing children’s songs in the 1980’s-90’s.
In 1990, Will was introduced to Raffi via audio cassette tape. This was immediately followed by Raffi’s video. This is the soundtrack of his preschool years. When I think of Will in his purist essence, he is singing these songs.
Will spent his entire year as a three year old watching, listening, and singing along with these songs. He had been given a Sesame Street banjo, a Raffi cassette tape, and a Fisher Price cassette player as gifts for his third birthday. Will and his banjo played along with Raffi most waking hours. For Christmas that year, he was upgraded to an “electric” guitar.
His little brother, Hunt, was born two weeks after Will’s third birthday. The minute Will was dressed every morning, he wanted me to turn on the Raffi video. As I sat in an easy chair, he entertained me through countless nursing hours with Hunt. He would stand in front of the television belting out the tunes. He requested a stand mic and I fashioned one out of a cardboard wrapping paper tube, a shoebox, and half a roll of masking tape.
That is the one of the most precious memories I have of Will as a three year old.
He loved all the songs but his go-to favorite was, “Down By The Bay”.
In Will’s three year old voice, he would sing, “ Down by da bay, where da wadermelon grow…”
Anyway, fast forward back to yesterday. My day started after a dream of Will. I thought about him all day and could hear his voice. I could still recall how his hair smelled and felt. Then, at the end of the day, I am
Inspired to go see this movie. I am feeling such a feeling of well being and great peace watching this movie, when on the television in the movie, RAFFI is belting out DOWN BY THE BAY!!!!
I could not believe it. It was the exact same video we spent hundreds of hours watching and listening to Will sing.
I turned to my husband and all he said was, “ I know… exact video.”
I was transported back to such a special time in motherhood when all the day consisted of was taking care of two precious babies. There was no agenda. There was no place we had to be. We just spent the day being cozy. Oh, how I have wished for that same feeling again, when spilled apple juice was the biggest problem.
We talk about signs our children send us here. Some say they don’t think they receive signs. A sign can be a song on the radio, a bird or butterfly that seems to linger a little longer than typical, opening a drawer and finding a photo that takes you back to a special time, a phrase used by a stranger that reminds you of your child, or randomly sitting in a movie set in the 1990’s and hearing and seeing your child’s most identifying music.
Keep your eyes open for the little bits of magic that bring back your child if only briefly. This is what love feels like.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
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