Learning to give up some control has helped me with knowing what is important.
I have learned to set boundaries for my time and presence.
Learning to let go of the need to fix other peoples problems helps as well. I am not more capable than anyone else.
I have learned to listen more and wait to determine if my help is even necessary for the other person’s highest good. That means letting go of my own ego that wants to be a fixer. Instead, I can allow the other person to see how far they can go without my help first.
My grief journey took away a lot of my energy for quite a while. I had to let people outside of my husband and children manage without me. In addition to it being healing for me, it allows other people to use their own unique gifts and abilities when I don’t swoop in to fix everything.
The extra gift to me now that I am farther on my journey is now I have time to do things that give me pleasure instead of me using my time to fix problems that don’t need to be solved by me. I now have time to grow in new directions that use the gifts I have been given.
To clarify, this does not mean that I ignore actual needs that someone may have. It means that I need to discern what my role is and be still enough to know whether my heart feels joy or dread. Joy equals green light. Dread equals probably not what I am being called to do.
Yes, grief can do it to you. There was a period after my son’s passing when I forgot how to breathe normally. I would catch myself feeling uncomfortable and realize I was holding my breath. I would literally have to consciously think to myself, “ Breathe in, 2,3,4. Hold, 2,3,4. Exhale, 2,3,4,5. “.
When I was in that stage, my goal was trying to make it from morning to bedtime.
It was an awful time as you can imagine. I had no energy to fix anyone’s problems or care enough to be able to fix them.
Once I came out of the fog, which probably was almost two years, the main people that I had a codependant relationship had moved on for supply from someone else. In addition, everyone else was thriving even while I was in the thick of it.
Grief threw me off the merry go round. When I finally got my legs under me, I made a decision about whether I even liked the merry go round. Maybe the slide is more my speed.
The song Row, Row, Row your Boat has a deeper meaning. We are not to row furiously upstream. We are supposed to float down the stream gently, observing the sights ( some good and some bad). We we are supposed to take care of the things in our boat. We are supposed to use our gifts when we feel a higher calling. These are the deeds that you do that you tell no one about. The ego is absent in the acts.
I can wait for another to share a need or ask my opinion. I actually do have lots of opinions. You can’t live 60 years without feeling the urge to tell your adult children what they should be doing and how they ought to be doing it. I suppress this urge and try to remember hiw I felt pretty capable when I was their age. I no longer jump feet first into ,”Let me help you with that”. Now, I am more likely to simply say, “ What are your thoughts on that? How do you plan to approach this problem? Is there anything specific you would like my help with? I trust you to make a thoughtful decision. Call on me if you need me.” Of course, some of this naturally happens with an emoty nest. However, it would have been easy to still insert myself without learning to let go.
If you still have minor children, consider using the technique of teaching them new skills instead of telling them how they ought to be doing it. When I suppressed the urge to tell them how I have always done it, I found that when they do it their way most of the time the outcome is better than I could have done it. I trusted them to be resourceful.
I no longer allow myself to be criticized. I will not take unsolicited advice that is meant to tear me down or mold me into their image of perfection. If I want feedback, I will ask someone who has experience and whose judgment I value. That in itself freed up a lot of energy spent with people who didn’t raise my energy or bring my thinking to a higher level. The extra benefit is I no longer waste precious time rehashing the conversation that felt toxic.
Moving Forward
The next stage of growth after letting go was deciding how I wanted the rest of my life to be. I started thinking if I could do anything in the world regardless of education or location what would that be. I came up with things that I actually was passionate about. I just started doing them without worrying if anyone was watching or judging.
I watched You Tube videos and read articles on every topic. Topics included flower arranging; sewing heirloom baby clothes; giving effective keynote addresses; painting on canvas with acrylic paint; interior design; spiritual leaders; writing personal stories; how to create blogs; how to brcome a grief coach; yoga; health; cooking to name a few. Then I started practicing.
I gave myself the task of reading at least one thing every day in the following areas: 1) child loss and coping; 2) Bible; 3) grief group on Facebook ; 4) fiction.
I had the attention span of a gnat so there were no fat books involved. I Googled most of this and read articles. I eventually worked up to more complex reading.
I am not the same person I was before child loss. I now realize that I simply do not have the power to keep all of the bad things away. I realize that everyone is here to grow into their own journey. It is in the hard times we reach for God. Transformation can take place.
It only took me 60 years to learn this. I hope you all learn it before I do.
Peace and love.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
- Seven Years - September 16, 2023
- Healing After Child Loss - June 19, 2022
- “You Are So Strong” - March 11, 2022
