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Why Did You Have To Go?

By on Nov 17, 2017 | 4 comments

 This is a question that I have asked my son at least a hundred of times in the past year.  I will never know the full answer until I get to Heaven and see the Big Picture. I am sure that God has a much bigger answer than I am capable of knowing now. It doesn’t make it any easier for me today.  I am choosing to have faith that God has got this. “Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time. ”  -Oswald Chambers  In the past 13 months I have cried out in my heart, “Why did you have to go?” The answer has been, ” Mom, I did the best that I could with what I knew at the time.”  Now that I have finally come to terms with the reality that I don’t have the answer to everything and that I cannot control everything, his answer has finally sunk in.  He did the best that he could with what he...

It’s Gonna Be Okay

By on Oct 9, 2017 | 2 comments

Last week was a stinker.  It marked the one year anniversary of my son’s death.  He passed on October 1st and the memorial service was on October 8th.  I was in a funk all week.  It was as if I was grieving brand new, every day, all week.  I was so focused inward that I was having a hard time finding God through it all.  I returned to asking, “How and what did we all do to get here?” Yesterday, a Sunday, marked the anniversary of the memorial service.  I woke up feeling as if I might start crying at the drop of a hat.  In fact, I did tear up several times before lunch.  I was trying to be a big girl and trying to move in a more positive direction with my day.  Honestly, I had indulged myself with grieving so much during the week that I was a little sick of myself. My husband and I decided that we needed to get out of the house yesterday afternoon.  We browsed around...

Finding Joy

By on Sep 28, 2017 |

 Joy is more than feeling cheerful.  It is a light that shines inside my soul from the Holy Spirit.  Love is the result of communion with God.  Peace is not the absence of troubles; it is a feeling inside my soul from the presence of God. It is from this basic belief system that I began the journey of child loss.  I do know that without my faith I would not have been able to endure great loss. When we received the news, it felt as if  the wind had been knocked out of me.  I felt like a turtle on its back unable to flip over.  The only thing I knew to do was pray.  God, show me what to do.  What do you want me to do?  God, place someone in my path to show me what to do. Have I been happy about the loss?  No.  I would love to step into a time machine and have a do-over.  Do I have a choice?  No.  It does not benefit my emotional well being or my family to attempt to move forward with my...