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Grief and Christmas Part 2

By on Jan 3, 2017 |

It’s January 3rd.  I have been wanting to share my experience of Christmas Day for over a week and I am just now able to actually write about it.  I tried once last week and I deleted the whole thing.  I knew what my feelings felt like but I couldn’t think of the right words to describe them. What made December 25th different from another day, say December 12th?  It’s because I  have no specific memories of any December 12th. There is nothing emotional, personal, or exciting about December 12th.  But December 25th is an entirely different story.  It really starts with the days leading up to it.  Memories of Christmases past crept into my brain.  As I got ready for bed Christmas Eve, turning off the lights, filling stockings, and neatening up, I almost dreaded going to sleep knowing that this Christmas would be different. We opened gifts with our adult children and that was...

Grief and Christmas

By on Dec 20, 2016 |

Countdown. 4 days until Christmas. Thoughts of Christmases past flash through my mind. Small children out of their minds with excitement and trying so hard to be “good” to atone for their “bad” behavior since the last Christmas and hoping that Santa has a short memory. The excitement of waiting at the top of the stairs waiting for the all clear to come down to see what Santa left. Of course, as the four kids turned into young adults the excitement changed into cherishing the memories of their younger selves and the traditions that had always been part of the holiday. Two years ago, we awoke on Christmas morning with four young adults. This year, two are married, one is in college, and one is in Heaven. It is definitely a different kind of holiday this year. There doesn’t seem to be a need to make a bunch of sweets when two of the three living in this house watch their carbs. No one...

Love in a Photograph

By on Nov 24, 2016 |

 We survived our family’s first holiday without our son. It was a long Thanksgiving weekend. It was a bit melancholy for me. My two youngest adult children helped my husband and me put up the Christmas tree and some decorations today. Almost all of the ornaments reminded us of our son. We laughed a little and said Bless It a lot. Thanksgiving weekend, two years ago, was the last Thanksgiving that we all had together. I had been dreaming of getting a family portrait made for a while and the stars lined up perfectly with all of my kids in town. We had a portrait session on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend. My kids were 27,24,21,and 18 at the time. The last time I had a portrait made of all of my kids was when they were 15,12,9,and 6. It was a pretty fall afternoon. Everyone was in an agreeable mood and the photographer was so sweet and encouraging. She took pictures of the six of...

Love and Grief

By on Nov 20, 2016 |

Grief. Oh, what a horrible sounding word. It even sounds like it feels bad. It makes your stomach hurt. It makes a stabbing pain in your heart. It takes your breath away. I have had all of these thoughts and feelings in the last 7 weeks. Two days ago, I had an epiphany. Grief is really love for someone who is gone. Love doesn’t sound horrible. It doesn’t sound bad. It can make your heart feel a little fluttery sometimes and it can take your breath away. When I really thought about it, we do not grieve someone we don’t love. We feel sorrow for the family but we are able to resume our life. When we lose someone we love, the love doesn’t go away. When we lose someone we love and is part of our heart, there is always going to be a little piece missing but the love is still there. Once I re-framed the thought process, missing someone we love is a positive emotion while grieving sounds like...