This is a question bereaved parents ask themselves. Without a doubt, child loss is the most life changing event of my life. There is a hole that cannot be filled with anything else.
The longing is palpable dozens of times in a day. The question, “How could this be?”, is one I think about often. There is no answer to this question. The other question I ask myself is, “How do I live despite this loss?” Because there is no clear answer to either of these questions I am left to navigate by myself in uncharted territory.
How did I get to this place in my life? This is not the plan I carefully mapped out. There was supposed to be a trajectory to my life, my son’s life and our family’s life, that was logical and planned for everyone’s highest good. But life, fate, or bad luck had another plan.
The song sung by LeeAnn Rhimes titled, How Do I Live Without You, runs through my head often. I read the words of many bereaved parents every day and the ways we are alike are more similar than different. However, the circumstances of our children’s passing are unique because people and relationships are unique. There is no one size fits all way to grieve. There is no “Grief Period”. There is only “My Life After Child Loss”.
Bereaved parents can be frustrated or hurt because they feel that friends and family don’t understand. I have decided after almost three years that I can’t expect others to understand what I am experiencing because I don’t even know how to describe what I am feeling. It is loss or is it longing? I think I have adjusted to the fact that my son passed away. What is left is the longing.
Longing is that ache somewhere between the heart and the stomach. It is not the sharp, stabbing pain it is in the early months. It settles into a dull ache, not excruciating, but always there. It is like a low key toothache that doesn’t get bad enough to take a trip to the dentist and you hope will go away.
I have joy and meaning in my life. I find things to smile about dozens of time a day. I can have a laugh hard enough to produce tears. I have meaningful relationships with my family and friends. But the dull ache is there.
I have found it easier to cope by acknowledging the ache and longing. I don’t wonder anymore when it is going away. There is the mistaken idea in our culture that after a certain amount of time life goes back to the way it was before. I certainly thought that to be true before I experienced it myself.
It is this unspoken notion that creates the feeling within that somehow I might not be Doing It Right. I finally have settled into the truth that there is no Right. The truth for me is just It Is What It Is. It is love for someone that has no physical release. A typical physical release for love is a kiss. A hug. A ruffling of hair. A pat on the back. A look.
Without these external actions of love there is a feeling of not knowing what to do with the love inside. There is a feeling of needing to express this love with words. Without a listener with whom to express these words, I find that writing my feelings is a physical way to express these emotions. I find comfort in knowing my words resonate with others who experience loss.
Self care is another form of action. I have learned to give myself the love that I need. I give myself the permission to feel my feelings for a bit when they bubble up. I indulge myself but I don’t want to live there. I indulge myself in other ways. A bath with new soap. A mani/ pedi. A new nightgown. Picking an old hobby up again. Getting a neglected project done. Talking with a friend. Self compassion.
Before child loss, I thought I knew who I was at the age of 57. After loss, I had to rebuild my life into something gentle enough to include The Ache. I accept my new life even if I don’t have a plan. I am different than before in the areas of compassion and spirituality. I see my life as a student of Earth School as opposed to a life where I thought I made all the plans. I thought if I made a plan, worked hard, I could enjoy the reward. I have learned that God/ Creator/ Higher Power needs to be consulted in my plans.
How Do I Live Without You? I live with grace and compassion for myself.
Peace and Love.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
- Seven Years - September 16, 2023
- Healing After Child Loss - June 19, 2022
- “You Are So Strong” - March 11, 2022
