We wonder why our grief won’t ease faster. Why does it stick around so long?
We have lost people in our lives before. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, friends… Those losses hurt but eased up as we got back into our routine.
After child loss, we wonder what is wrong with us. Will this ever not hurt this much? Are we losing our mind?
No, we aren’t losing our mind. We are missing this child in direct proportion to the love we have for them. We grieve for the length of time our heart and mind needs to grasp this new relationship with with our child in spirit.
Our child in the physical form took up much of our life and energy. When their physical needs no longer needed to be met, we had time and restless energy on our hands. The time we had previously spent meeting their daily needs such as feeding, grooming, educating, nurturing, etc took up big chunks of our day. Or if our child was an adult, time spent on the phone talking or texting, looking forward to their next visit home, watching their life unfold took time. If their health was compromised before death because of illness or addiction issues, the amount of time spent worrying and praying for things to get back on track took time.
Once they leave this physical world, we have extra time on our hands. So we spend that time grieving.
As painful as it is now, it will ease up with time. We slowly begin to fill that void. It may not be days. Or months. It may take years. But it does slowly get better. Life will never get back to normal but it will result in a new normal.
My spiritual life became richer because I cried out to God. What started out as, “Oh my God! What am I going to do?”, evolved into, “ God help me. Show me what to do. Give me hope. My faith feels too small for such a big trauma. Please help me.” That morphed into me reading the Bible, researching online about what is heaven, where do we go after we die, do our spirits really live forever????
The isolation of child loss grief led me to seek out other bereaved parents. I found bereaved parents in online groups. The pain was palpable in some groups and everyone in the group was in great despair.
This led me to narrow down my quest to find not merely bereaved parents, but to find bereaved parents who had developed coping skills. Bereaved parents who had learned to find hope, faith, and joy in their lives again became my lifeline. I reached out to certain bereaved parents who seemed to be doing well and I wanted to find out what they did to get to that place of acceptance. These parents were generous with me in sharing their time. They understood my pain in a way no one else in my life could. Their spirituality was strong and their belief that their children’s spirits were around them gave me hope that I could get to the place they were in time.
I still look to those parents as my mentors. I developed a passion for helping those newer on this grief journey than me. Perhaps this is how God answered my cries. This created a sense of purpose in the pain.
I have seen other bereaved parents who have used their experience to become advocates for mental health or addiction issues. I have seen some parents become public speakers at conferences. Some parents have started chapters of Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents USA in their town. Other parents have gone on to write books about their experience. All of these parents give me hope that I can be that person for someone else.
Since my son’s death I have learned that life is not about being happy all of the time. Life is about growing in character. Life is about facing adversity and finding hope and faith in spite of our challenges. I am not the same person I was three years ago but I am doing the best I can to live with purpose and perseverance.
Love and peace.
She writes about life, death, grief, and recovery.
- Seven Years - September 16, 2023
- Healing After Child Loss - June 19, 2022
- “You Are So Strong” - March 11, 2022
